Chapter 17

Finally, after several weeks of camping out in the library and rejuvenating the entire stock of books, Aleister Gardner and the Thaumaturgical Prestidigitation of Time and Space, a Primer still wasn’t in the library, and it wasn’t shown as being signed out. “Of course, it’s the only remaining copy,” sighed Octavia, depressed that the rite of Prose Mino may never happen and the calamity that will ensue.

As Nick practiced long division using the Dewey Decimal system on a slate and chalk, she reviewed the last bookshelf before calling it a loss. Just as she finished the inspection, and the students waited nervously for her assessment of their work, she heard a familiar voice. “G’day mate! How’s my favorite Sheila?” Two men dressed like Ecksas Bush Wizards stepped out of the stacks, and the one that called out was librarian Bruce Dinkum.

“G’day Bruce!” cried Octavia as she hugged her friend. “Who’s your mate?”

“Façade, this here’s m’ boss, the arch chancellor of Bugarup U, Bill Rincewind. Bill, this is the baddest spell slinging librarian on the disc, Façade Incognito.”

“I’m proud to say that he’s one of mine!” came another familiar voice from the stacks, Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of the Unseen University, and with him was her father, the librarian who was wearing a Senior Master Librarian badge on a ribbon around his neck meaning that he was here on official business. “You look a bit different than the last time I saw you,” said Ridcully to Octavia.

“It’s all the rage now,” said Octavia, realizing that she didn’t have a chance to activate a disguise spell to look like a male.

As Mustrum harrumphed, Bruce said “Oy, I brought Bill here to meet the young master!” when Octavia responded with a confused look he said, “Your boy! Where’s Porter?”

Nick came out of the back room wearing his traditional camouflaged robes and slouch hat. “Did somebody call me?”

“G’day mate!” called Bruce. “I was telling Bill and Mustrum about your to-do with the dingaroos when The Dean tells me that you can change into one. Quite the corker...” Suddenly, standing before him was a huge, snarling, slavering dingaroo with bloody fangs and a pouch carrying half of a dead wizard. Then suddenly it was Porter standing there again.

“I’ve been working on it. Is the blood on the fangs too much?” They barely heard him over the applause of the students.

“Best one yet Mister Porter!” called one of the cheering students.

“Honey,” said Octavia, “I asked you not to do that inside.” And she pointed at the ceiling.

Nick looked up and saw the cracks from when the dingaroo’s head hit the ceiling. “I’m sorry hun, I’ll get some plaster up there straight away.” Then he noticed Mustrum Ridcully and Bill Rincewind staring at him in shock. “What?” asked Nick. He was terrified that he was in trouble for Unauthorized Metamorphoses, or Therianthropy with Criminal Intent. He had a sudden fear of being branded an Animagi like a cow, lassoed, thrown down, and a glowing red iron is brought to his...

“IIIK AHT!” (Nick stop!) growled Gula from her perch above the librarian’s desk. Sometimes his fears get to her too.

“What I tell ya blokes!” cried Bruce Dinkum.

“What? What did I do?” asked Nick nervously again.

“Ook,” said Octavia’s father.

“Agreed,” agreed Ridcully. “Anyone can change into wild animal.”

“It’s changing back,” said Bill Rincewind, “now there’s the magic!” He patted a confused Nick on the back and shook his hand, “You truly are a first rate Bush Witch! A real Ecksan if there ever was one. Where’s that certificate Bruce gave you, I want to sign that too.”

“I also, marvelous lad...” chimed in Ridcully.

“What are they talking about?” Nick asked Octavia.

“That scroll that Bruce gave you when we left.”

As he dug it out of his backpack, Nick muttered, “I always wondered what it said.”

“You didn’t read it?”

“I couldn’t read when I got it.” He handed it to Octavia’s father, who rolled it out on the desk and the wizards gathered around to sign it. Since everyone was crowded around the table signing the document, and now Octavia was in line to sign it too, Nick made a motion with his hand and the words of the document appeared above the assembled wizards, in glowing gold script, where everyone could read it.

“Let it be known to all you pommy bastards who read this document, {c}that the ballsy bloke before you {c}Porter Strongback {c}Is a bloody Bush Witch in good fucking standing with the {c}Wizards of the Bugarup University of Magic, Augury, {c}Incantation, and BeerBugarup, XXXX”

The document described faithfulness to the brotherhood and other such gewgaws. As Nick was reading, the entire library went dark, lightning flashed, thunder rumbled and a tall, elegant slim woman with milk white skin, jet black hair, and burgundy red lips which matched her eyes stepped out of the stacks and announced, “I vant to sign ze paper,” accompanied by another flash of lightning and crash of thunder. All stood aside while Lucretia von Überwald stepped forward, the only member of the Überwald family who is both vampire and werewolf of the primarily werewolf family. She’s the fanged sheep of the family.

“She’s a bloodsucking bitch,” snarled Gaspode from behind Nick.

“Yes,” whispered Octavia, “but she’s also the overseer of the largest private magical library on the disc, and her librarian, Igor, is the only Chief Master Librarian on the disc. We can’t recertify this library without him.”

“Growl, growl,” said Gaspode. His sentiments were echoed by Gula high above.

“Shall ve start?” asked Lady Überwald. “Ze night vill soon be young and ve vill be cutting into my...” she paused for dramatic effect, “ ... playtime.” Lightning flashed and thunder rolled right on cue.

The Dean stood by nervously as the three ranked librarians began inspecting every book on the shelf to insure the Dewey Decimal tag was properly affixed, the books were in the proper location, and the shelves were clearly labeled. This inspection could be the end of the college if the library isn’t certified. He sagged into a chair and nervously mopped his brow.

Seeing the Dean sitting down caused a thought to suddenly spring to Octavia’s mind. Furniture! She turned to the assembled students and said, “Go! Scour the campus, look for any book propping up a table leg or being used as a trivet for a coffee service, anything like that, GO!” They scattered throughout the campus while Nick remained behind to keep the Archchancellors and Lady Überwald entertained as the students searched.

“So, you’re a vampire AND a werewolf,” said Nick, trying to make conversation. “How do you decide what form to take when you attack someone?”

“Zat depends my little morsel,” said the mysterious woman as she traced a long, elegant finger along the leather strap holding his eyepatch in place. “Am I zirsty? or am I peckish.” A flash of lightning and a blast of thunder provided a magical rimshot.

Igor looked and saw that Lady Überwald was fascinated with Nick’s missing eye and said, “I could get you a replathement for that eye, marthter.”

Nick studied Igor’s head; Igors are self-made men and like all Igors, his face was an amazing amalgam of spare parts that are an Igor’s stock in trade. Bent nose, off center mouth, at least one too many ears. Igor did indeed work with eyes. One of his was a beautiful sapphire blue and a full inch higher than the other eye, which was brown and very large. Nick assumed it came from a cow.