34: Pros

"Oh! Wow! This is it!" Elaine said as we applauded. "My own television show. I am so excited. I'm Elaine Frost. Welcome to Chick Chat, the show where girls talk."

ELAINE: Look! I have new chairs and a new table. We have new lights. I have a new hairdo. I even have a new dress! Like it? My producer warned me that the camera adds ten pounds, so I asked Leonard to make my dress ten pounds smaller. And I love it. It makes me feel so sexy. Girls love to feel sexy.

Guys don't understand that. They think we do it for them. Guys! We're not looking sexy because we want to have sex. [Camera three.] With you.

[Camera one.] We aren't looking sexy so you'll whistle at us or try out your newest line. [Camera two.] 'Hey baby. If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?' [Camera one.] No, no, no, no. Face it girls, we don't do it to turn guys on. We know guys. You could dress in your rattiest jeans—I don't mean the ones you poured yourself into and took two hours to get the zipper up—I mean the ones you put on so you could bend over and get dirty in the garden. Those jeans that you hope no one EVER sees you in. You could pull on a baggy sweatshirt, have no makeup on, and your hair in the same matted condition you woke up with. Walk past a guy and what happens?

[Camera three.] Bu-wong! A Roger Rabbit moment.

[Camera one.] Why do we dress sexily, then? To feel good. [Cameras two and three advance. Frequent switches.] We like to look good. We like being women. We like the sense of strength and power it gives us. We like walking down the street confident that we could do anything because we feel that good. We want to dress sexy because we are sexy. We like having the equipment we have. We like knowing we could create life, even if we choose not to. We like having every head turn when we walk into a room and knowing that if we choose to speak, people will hear us.

[Camera one zoom out to full shot.]We like to dress sexy ... because we are.

[Applause.]

I was blown away. Even though we had twelve shows already taped, this one was the one that would be shipped and broadcast first. Elaine had just delivered her manifesto.

ELAINE: They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We are about to behold a real beauty. Called the most beautiful woman in America by Sports Illustrated, ladies, please welcome Heaven.

Joanne entered from the side and she was stunning. She waved as we applauded, hugged Elaine, and the two sat in the big leather chairs. I couldn't help but notice that neither one of them leaned back. They both sat upright and didn't touch the back of the chair. It didn't take long before they were off on the topic of beauty and what it takes to be beautiful in the world today. If you asked me to choose the most beautiful between the two of them, I wouldn't be able to do it. And I'd seen them both naked. I was relieved that Joanne seemed to have relaxed. She was a consummate professional, poised and eloquent. There was no sign of the nerves that seemed to plague her last night or even when she walked into the studio this morning.

I glanced at Adam. Aside from the crew, he and I were the only men allowed in the studio for Heaven's session. I knew that Amy was just behind the curtain on the other side of the stage. In the audience, a dozen women of our clan were dressed to the nines. Most of the younger girls wanted to be there, of course, but I was surprised at how much competition there was for the other spots among our older women. Renee was in the front row. Rhonda said there would be a longer than usual break between Elaine's show and the exercise show as they went to do the weekly interview with Doreen. So far, I hadn't been allowed to be in any of those interviews. Doug was the onscreen father. I was just a friend. The longer break would allow girls who were in Elaine's audience to get ready for Sora's exercise.

Behind me, at the breakfast bar, sat several moms. We decided that we wanted just family in the audience this week, and that included on my show. So I was hosting moms today. They were quite excited to be with us. They weren't all there yet, but Mom and Anna, Lily Cortales, Joyce Gordon, Janet Anderson, Irene Nowicki, and Elaine's mother Alice Jones were with us. The one I'd never met before was Dinita Kimes, Angela's mother. They were all enthralled by Elaine's performance.

I finally brought my attention back to the lively conversation Elaine and Joanne were having.

ELAINE: So what does it take to be the most beautiful woman in America?

HEAVEN: It's not the product. It's the packaging. You have to think of it in terms of paint and fabric. It takes me over an hour with an assistant to get my makeup correct. The clothes I wear are from some of the world's greatest designers. My hairstyle—even the color—are determined in advance by my employers. I'm really not that pretty.

ELAINE: I think we could find a few million men who would disagree with that.

HEAVEN: But look at our audience, Elaine. I love how you keep this so intimate. But every one of the women in our audience, and all the women involved on your show could compete with me for that title. And at least half of them would beat me. Including your associate producer, Samantha Cortales, who I have always thought of as one of the most beautiful women I've ever met.

I glanced over at Sam. She looked up suddenly at Joanne's comment and nearly dropped her clipboard. I noticed that camera one had swung over to catch her reaction.

HEAVEN: And you, Elaine.

[Elaine shifts to her 'aside' camera.]

ELAINE: She's pretty, but nearsighted.

[Heaven laughs.]

HEAVEN: Okay, I'll prove my point. May I invite an audience member up?

ELAINE: Ladies, if you don't want Heaven to call you up here and admire your beauty on camera, feel free to decline. Who do you want, Heaven? [They stand and look down the row at the audience. Heaven points at the girl farthest to her right.]

HEAVEN: You caught my eye the minute I walked on stage. Would you join us?

The tall girl stood and walked to the center between Heaven and Elaine. At first I thought she'd called Nicki up. This would be good. I wondered if Nicki would show her tattoo. Then I got a better look. Oh my god! NO!

HEAVEN: What's your name, honey?

KAY: Kay.

HEAVEN: What a beautiful soft voice. I chose you because you are about as tall as I am and you are dressed so simply and elegantly. Elaine, this is what I mean by the importance of the packaging. So many girls have a good thing going, but overdo it. Let's start with the feet. Can we get a close up of Kay's and my feet together? Elaine, get your feet in the picture, too, just for comparison.

ELAINE: Oh, you're getting my best feature. I feel so tiny standing next to you two.

HEAVEN: There are two things I want to point out. Kay and I are both tall. I'm five-nine. How tall are you, Kay?

KAY: Five-ten.

HEAVEN: Notice that we are both wearing heels, but they aren't really tall spiked heels like you are wearing, Elaine.

ELAINE: I'm height-challenged.

HEAVEN: And your heels are three times as tall as ours. But we don't wear high heels to make us taller. High heels change the shape of our calves. Kay has just enough heel to make her calf muscles bunch up a little and give them such a beautiful shape. The second thing I want you to notice is how big our feet are compared to yours, Elaine. Maybe it is a side-effect of our height, but models—all the models I've worked with—have size nine or larger feet. Mine are a ten. You too, Kay? [nods] You're so quiet and demure.

ELAINE: So we can tell a model by the size of her feet.

HEAVEN: That's not all, of course. Kay's outfit is simple but very stylish. It's short enough to truly show off her beautiful legs, but not so short that she can't sit down or lean over comfortably. The sleeveless dress is very sexy, partly because it leads the eye to Kay's elegant neck. She accented one of her best features with a black choker. Designer Dania Teal once told me that guys cannot look at a choker and not be turned on. Those weren't her EXACT words. Men can't help but imagine her in nothing BUT the choker and those high heels.

ELAINE: I'm putting that on my list of how to seduce a man. Is it possible to seduce a man or do they come from the store already seduced?

HEAVEN: Well, if they don't, one look into Kay's deep brown eyes would do the trick. You see, Kay hasn't tried to be a lot of things she isn't. She hasn't tried to build up her bust with a padded bra. Designers are gaga over models with small breasts. Really, I'm on the edge of being too busty. Kay's dress simply accents her tiny waist and lets the imagination fill in the rest.

ELAINE: I was so happy that when I went on the pill, my breast size increased half a cup. Are you saying that's not important to men?

HEAVEN: To some men, certainly. To some men, there is a certain eye color that attracts them. A physical feature like big breasts or long legs or a round butt. But when we just talk about classical beauty, being well-proportioned trumps them all. I honestly believe that Kay could successfully model anything that I've modeled.

The girls in the audience looked like they were holding their breath. 'Kay hasn't tried to be a lot of things she isn't?' Elaine had to know. Oh my god! Oh my god! This is going to be so embarrassing. I had to wonder if we would even have a second taping with Joanne once she found out. Adam and I might end up protecting our cousins from Joanne instead of protecting her from paparazzi.

HEAVEN: Kay, before you sit back down, you have a secret, don't you? [Kay nods.] Will you tell us? [Kay turns to face the camera and bites her lip. So cute.]

KAY: I'm not a girl.

The crew gasped and turned to look at Rhonda. Of course, everyone in our clan knew that was Kevin. Joanne didn't appear to be too upset. If anything, she was smirking.

ELAINE: In fact, Kay is one of the nicest boys I've ever met. But you knew that, Heaven. What was your point?

HEAVEN: The point is exactly what I started out saying. It isn't the product, it's the packaging. Kay doesn't just cross-dress. She has studied femininity. That paid off this spring when she was voted Miss Gay Cougar at Washington State University. Congratulations, Kay, and thank you for playing our game with us.

Kay sat down. Elaine and Joanne continued to talk about beauty and being sexy. I pretty much wilted. Joanne had known all along. Elaine's whole show was going to be a lot edgier than I thought.

We didn't start filming my segment until one o'clock. By that time, I'd had a chance to get to know my guests a little better. Lily Cortales was my mother-in-law of the day.

ME: Hello, Mama Lil. How are you today?

LILY: I'm relieved.

ME: Why is that?

LILY: Your associate producer sent out notices that you were having clan mothers as guests for two shows. I'm relieved that I'm not sitting with the mothers of pregnant daughters.

ME: We'd tell you first. Samantha! Come and say hi to your mom.

SAM: Hi, Mom. Welcome to Young Cooking.

LILY: Brian, I just found out that the supermodel Heaven considers my daughter to be one of the most beautiful women she's ever met.

ME: Does that surprise you?

LILY: No! It does my heart good to know someone famous agrees with me.

SAM: You guys better start cooking something. Talk to you later, Mom.

ME: Mama Lil, the first time I came to your house, you cooked what you called Umbrian pasta sauce. We're going to try to replicate that this morning. Before we do, though, I thought we should have homemade pasta to go with it.

LILY: You didn't!

ME: In order to save a little time, I have three batches of pasta started. One is ready for me to roll out, one batch is backstage drying, and here on the counter, I have semolina flour, olive oil, eggs, and salt. Why don't you walk me through the steps of mixing the pasta dough? Then, while I let my assistant Mary come out and start rolling out the finished dough, we'll start the sauce together.

For such a time-sensitive dish, we kept things pretty tight. Of course, we had the advantage that April could edit out things that took five minutes to prepare and having Mary and crew as sous chefs meant that all our veggies for the sauce were cut and ready to sauté. Mary, Pam, and Susan were cute in the white jackets and hats we got for them as my official sous chefs.

Rhonda's, Whitney's, Liz's, Elaine's, and Angela's moms were at the counter watching and sipping at red wine. Occasionally, I asked about each of them and each made a complimentary comment about her daughter.

When the show was over, all the Moms were going to watch the exercise show and would then be the audience for Elaine's afternoon taping with a local artist who would talk as she painted a portrait. Robyn, Geoff, and Kevin—now out of drag—swept in and started the kitchen clean-up as I chatted with my girlfriends' mothers. I introduced Maggie and April. Maggie went down the line thanking them one at a time.

"Oh, I promised to call next week's guests before three," she said, just before she reached Angela's mother. "Excuse me," she said and turned to walk away.

"Maggie!" I snapped. She turned around and her eyebrows shot up as she realized I was angry. "Don't you ever disrespect one of my guests. Do you understand? If you ever do that again, so help me, I'll spank you."

"You wouldn't!"

"Ask Jennifer." She stood staring at me and her breast rose and fell heavily. I don't know if it was terror or excitement. Finally, she broke away from my angry look and turned to Mrs. Kimes.

"Mrs. Kimes, my apologies," Maggie said. "Thank you for being with us today and for joining us again on Friday when we film with your daughter. I ... I think I might not be ... quite human. I was really rude just now and that isn't the way I want to be. I'm learning. Please forgive me."

"I think you have someone who could teach you," Dinita laughed. "We can talk later if you have any questions or concerns. Privately, okay?"

"Thank you, Mrs. Kimes." Maggie turned and went to the office to do whatever made up task was on her list.

"That woman..." I started.

"Has issues," Dinita finished. "You might actually have to follow through on that threat. But there is something really bothering her. I'll be available if she actually wants to talk."

"Thank you, Momma Dinita," I said. "I'm so happy to finally get to meet you. We'll have a great time on Friday. Angela is a genius!"

"It's Friday night I'm looking forward to," she whispered. Hmmm?

By the end of the day, we were all exhausted and thankful for the casseroles that Donna had prepared in advance and that Monte thawed, prepped, and had in the ovens by three o'clock. He and Theresa had a basket full of salad makings from the garden, as well. They washed, tore, and tossed them. I was watching the dance show when I saw the two slip up the back stairs to the dormitories hand-in-hand. I hoped they remembered that it wasn't soundproof.

Heaven joined us for dinner as soon as all the crew left, dressed in her white gi. During the course of the afternoon, we'd all changed into gis as we finished our responsibilities. Rhonda, Samantha, and Elaine were still upstairs in the shower.

"I nearly had a heart attack when I realized Kevin was standing in front of you in drag," I said as I gave Joanne a hug. She was more comfortable now and returned the hug briefly. "When did you plan that all out?"