84: Midnight Special

Monday after Thanksgiving, we were right back in the swing of things. Call was at eight in the morning and the audience was seated by nine. I watched Elaine move into her routine and the audience get into it. There were close to forty people in the audience and they were in the holiday spirit.

ELAINE: We're back after the national day of mourning on Friday. That's right. Black Friday. I think it is fitting that we commemorate the day the stock market crashed on Friday, September 24, 1869, with this solemn holiday, the day after our most conspicuous gastronomic consumption of the year. I personally put on my little black dress, a veil, and black gloves. Black pumps—not too high because you don't want to show disrespect.

And you might need to run.

Then I went out and totally destroyed the department stores.

I was in the thick of things. I clawed my way to the toy department and grabbed the very last of those Talkboys. You know, the personal tape recorder that cute kid in Home Alone used to fake his way through New York! I had to get one for...

That's when I realized I don't have any children! I forgot!

I handed the little toy to the nice woman who was chewing on my heel, adjusted my veil and went to the ladies wear department where I attempted to corner the market in gold ... lamé.

Later that night Hercules went into depression. We expect a return to a normal market economy in January.

Elaine looked great in her little black dress.

Tuesday, I just hung out and watched. Debbie and Dolly were the guest chefs. They decorated cookies with different types of frosting. Not a real stretch for anyone, and certainly appropriate as we were in the holiday season. But they had their own twist. It was Carl's twenty-second birthday and they used him as their guest in the kitchen. While they had cookies to decorate, they ended up decorating Carl. He had frosting all over his face. And he had no idea which girl was which. Whenever he said anything to either of them he would call her by the wrong name and get pointed in the other direction. As he worked on mixing or spreading frosting according to their directions, they would switch places so he would once again call them by the wrong names.

It was funny. The audience loved it and there were some very good frosting recipes as well. I breathed a sigh of relief. Debbie and Dolly were soon to become my permanent guest hosts.

Wednesday was a tough day. For everyone. After I'd struggled through my eggnog recipes, I finally left the studio and walked toward the River. It was cold, but at least it had been a dry week so far. There was a bit of sun and when I reached the gravel path, I took off my shoes, even though I was going to freeze my toes off. This was Lexi's birthday. She would have been twenty years old.

Last February, when Denise would have been twenty-one, I was so overwhelmed by my rage that I broke a railroad tie. I hadn't noticed any flaws in the tie in the two years that I'd been beating on it, but obviously it must have had a weak spot. I certainly couldn't break a railroad tie with my fist. That was just stupid.

But as I walked on the gravel path toward Lexi's final resting place, I was a lot calmer than I'd been nearly a year ago. I was ... more mature? I don't know. I didn't feel bottled up. My rage—my anger—that I'd felt for four years was still there, but it was not quite at the surface now. And I don't mean I'd buried it. I was in touch with it. When I woke up sweating or screaming, I knew the rage was right beside me, ready to answer my call. But I was beginning to separate myself from it. I could see now that it wasn't who I was, but something that I could use.

It's in my kit.

Sly and Lily were the first ones I met. They were sitting on the ground next to the River with their bare feet in the stones. It seemed that they were staring up into the sky. Sly glanced my direction and smiled. Then he looked back at the clouds. I continued around the stream. Judy and Amber were sitting together at the next place where the stream intersected the River. It was much the same scene as Sly and Lily. The two girls had their arms around each other, silently sitting by the River and staring into the sky.

When I reached the River the third time, Monte and Ross were sitting there. The guys were bisexual, though I don't think that made a difference in the way they were holding each other with their feet in the River and their eyes on the sky. Judy, Monte, and Ross had been inseparable from Lexi for the whole time they were in junior and senior high. It just felt right that they were here together. At the fourth intersection, Samantha and Rhonda sat. I didn't realize that Rhonda had left the studio. After my portion, there was still a bit with Elaine. I wondered who was directing the cameras.

There was a certain symmetry about the way two people sat at each of the stations along the River. I guessed that meant there was really no room for me. I didn't want to break up what seemed like such natural positioning. I was about to continue on and leave the eight to their meditation. I could come back later.

"Brian," Samantha whispered. Had it been any softer I don't think I could have heard it. I stopped and looked toward her. She held onto Rhonda with tears streaming from her eyes. "Rake, beloved. I think you are the only one who can do it." I wasn't sure what I could do. She wanted me to rake the River; I would do so. Somehow, though, before I could set my foot on the colored stones, I had to strip. I could not take anything from this world to the world I was about to cross into. When I was naked, I stepped across the white chain and picked up the rake.

I remembered the way Mama Ruth and I had raked the stones. She'd told me I couldn't fix anyone else, but by helping others, I helped myself. I could fix myself. I began raking. I approached it as I approached doing forms—slowly, deliberately. Each line I traced with the tines of the rake obliterated all trace that I had been there. In fact, however, I stepped so softly on the gravel that there was no trace to cover.

There were long sweeping flows in life and I had forms that took me in that direction. There were forms that caused swirls in current. There were forms that carried me to the shore and then back to the channel. The rake never broke contact with the pebbles. I dragged it through them as I proceeded through forms of peace, forms of anger, forms of acceptance, forms of love, forms of passion. Each kata left a trail in the current of our river of stones. When I passed Lily and Sly, they smiled at me and lifted their feet from the shallows. It seemed natural that when I reached the station where Judy and Amber were, that Sly and Lily had moved to join them and wrapped them in their arms.

Forms of companionship. Forms of family. Forms of friends. Forms of intimacy. The swirls in the stones were all the reality I could comprehend. It was expected when I reached Monte and Ross. Sly, Lily, Amber, and Judy were with the two young men, holding them in their arms. We'd created a very long and winding river. I retraced steps of the forms to pick up spots I had missed. Forms of inclusion. Forms of encircling. Forms of submission. Forms of bonds even stronger than blood. Stronger than love. As I approached Rhonda and Samantha from the River, the other six approached them from the stream. I wove around the rocks in the river and came near the shore where their feet were before dancing away into the flow and bringing the current back with me. As they lifted their feet from the River, I swept past them, stepping out of the River and into the stream as I parked the rake in its accustomed place. After making my way through the entire circuit of the River, there was not a footstep visible. There was a single, unbroken path of the tines of the rake. The current of the river.

In spite of the fact that I had class until eight-thirty, I was invited to stop at Casa del Sol when I got home on the second. Donna and Lamar, of course, were on their honeymoon. But it was Renee's twenty-fifth birthday. Lionel and Sugar had invited Rose and me. Rich and Susan as members of Casa del Sol were also there.

And another guy.

"Patrón," Renee said as she kissed me on the cheek, "I'd like you to meet Tom Reynolds. We've been dating for a while. He's still a little overwhelmed by the ranch."

"Pleased to meet you, Tom," I said offering my hand. He took it rather tentatively.

"Hi. Uh ... I'm supposed to call you patrón?"

"No. The name's Brian. I think Renee was teasing us." He scowled a little.

"Nice to meet you." He didn't sound convinced.

"Now. Happy birthday, Renee," I said. She grinned at me.

"We saved the cake until you got here," Sugar said. Lionel held his son.

"Good thing you got here when you did," he said. "Leon wasn't about to settle down until we sang happy birthday."

"And ate cake," Sugar laughed.

We did sing and Leon was a happy boy when he was allowed to grab a fistful of cake and stuff it in and around his mouth. I had to wonder if he was going to take after his long tall dad or his short round mom. I supposed there were other options on that matrix as well.

"Well, we've been waiting for something else, too," Renee said. "Tom and I have been dating for several months, but it's been long distance. He lives in Columbus, Ohio. I've been working for the Bloomington School District while I finished my master's and for the past six months. But I've been offered a job as a curriculum developer at Pearson with an office in Columbus. I ... We want to announce that I'll be moving to Columbus after the holiday. Tom has a nice place there and has invited me to live with him."

"Congratulations!" Rose said.

"That's great news, Renee," I added. "You can't imagine how we'll all miss you here, though."

"Well, with Leon arriving and then Lamar and Donna getting married, our little house is getting kind of crowded. It's time for me to spread my wings," Renee said.

"I hope you'll both be regular visitors back here on the ranch," I said. "You are still family."

Tom didn't say much during the evening and to be fair, Rose and I only stayed for a little while. I had a show in the morning and class had been tiring. Another instance of professors realizing they haven't covered everything for the semester and that there were only two more classes to go. I had two pretty major research papers and two finals coming up. Still, something about Tom bothered me a little. I couldn't put my finger on it. Renee seemed happy, though, and that's what counts.

I have mixed feelings about Christmas newsletters. I like my Christmas cards to have a personal note and not be a missive about how wonderful I am or what a fabulous life my family has. There had been so much that happened this year, though. I had something to say to people that I didn't want to write a hundred times, like an after-school punishment. I still wrote a personal note in each of the hundred and fifty cards I sent, but I included a short holiday letter that I printed out from the computer.

I address this short letter to all my family and friends. I hope you will accept this as something that I wish I could say to each of you individually and face to face.

This has been a difficult year. If you don't know and would like to know the details, we can talk about them at another time. I don't want to relive every moment of the past year on this page. I want to say, though, that I have learned lessons that I hope will make me a better person. Those I would like to pass on.

Lesson One: The person I am with at this moment is the most important person in the world. I have chosen to be with this person and he or she has chosen to be with me. In that choice, we made a commitment to each other. I deserve his or her attention and he or she deserves mine. We will never have this moment again.

Lesson Two: I am the only person who actually has to live with me. Everyone else has a choice. Therefore, it is up to me to be the kind of person I want to live with. The praise or castigation of others does not define me. Nor do events that happen to me or around me. I am defined by what is inside me and I can choose what is there.

Lesson Three: I cannot depend on the future. Plans might be important to prevent chaos, but plans can be changed or utterly destroyed. I cannot depend on an opportunity in the future to correct my mistakes of the past. Or to forgive them. Whether that future is the next day or an expected afterlife, it is uncertain at best. The only real resource I have for making things 'right' is NOW.

Lesson Four: I am not perfect. I cannot live up to my own ideals, let alone anyone else's. Therefore, I will simply fill my life with as much love as I can find and pour it out to others as fast as I can give. I think, when it comes down to it, that summarizes all the rules and agreements I've been making up for the past ten years.

You would not receive this holiday greeting if you were not a person that I love and respect. I hope this small token will help to make your winter holidays as bright as you have made my life.

The next week or ten days flew past. We celebrated Matthew's second birthday on Sunday the twelfth. I didn't have a final on Monday, so I stayed the night with Casa del Agua and, something that wasn't as common as it once was, we all five slept together in their master. And Sandy wanted to be as close to Doreen and me as she could get. That proved to be pretty damned close! Doug and Rachel were so intent on each other, I don't think they noticed.

Basketball season was underway and both teams were getting in gear. The men had dropped their opener against Ball State before Thanksgiving, but they were taking no prisoners when they downed Kentucky 96-84. The women were grooving from the start with an 83-65 win over Wright State and more than a 25-point spread against both opponents in the Full-O-Pep tournament. Both teams went to finals week with unbroken win streaks since Thanksgiving. Whitney was off until the week after finals. Lionel had to play on Saturday.

And I was in the computer room typing my research papers for media classes whenever I wasn't on set or watching one of their games. I was thankful that Debbie and Dolly were taking two of my shows during finals week so I'd have time for last minute prep. When Rhonda and I finished our final in Media Organization on Tuesday, I was wishing it had been a research paper, instead. We both did okay, but writing three sensible essays in two hours is not a fun exam. I was afraid Telecommunications Theory on Thursday would be pretty much the same.

Of course, before I could get to Thursday's exams, I had to go to court. LWN probably didn't check my schedule closely or they would have tried to get the court date on Thursday instead of Wednesday. It was really a pleasure to watch Art at work in the environment that had made him pretty wealthy. After arguing about venues and charges, the upshot of the day was that everything of a criminal nature was dismissed and the only things remaining were the three civil suits—us vs. them, them vs. us, and Heaven vs. them. The judge called Art, Conrad, and the three LWN attorneys to the bench and advised them to go someplace, settle their differences, and stop wasting the court's time.